A transcript of exchanges between US President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin has been leaked to National News Conglomerate by an anonymous source within the Kremlin. We here at NNC have confirmed the authenticity of this document using the same rigorous verification process we’ve been using to authenticate the evidence for all our other reporting on Russia’s involvement in the 2016 US elections over the last two years. These verification methods include hunches, gut intuitions, and an introspective assessment of the way our feelings feel. The following exchanges revealed in this transcript provide the clearest evidence yet that the President of the United States has been in collusion with the Russian government for years.
This introduction has been authored by the editorial board of the National News Conglomerate. Obey.
Trump: I have done as you commanded, my dominant and all-powerful lord. I have conspired with your hackers to steal the election, and now I’m going to be president! I want to thank you for not releasing that video footage of those Russian prostitutes I hired to urinate on a bed the Obamas once slept in. If that had come out it would have offended and alienated a lot of people, which is something I never normally do.
Putin: Yes that is an old KGB tactic called kompromat, a word which only extremely intelligent people know about. Keep this line of communication open. As long as you do as I command, your pee pee tape will remain secret.
Trump: One thing I’m curious about though my lord, if you don’t mind my asking. If you already had an army of hackers targeting Democratic Party emails, why did you need my help? Couldn’t you just have hacked the emails and published them on your own? Why did you need me to interact with them at all?
Putin: Moral support, mainly. We don’t need to get into specifics.
Trump: Oh okay.
Trump: I’m in! Whew! I was really worried that leaked dossier would be the end of me! What are my instructions, my lord?
Putin: Begin introducing racism and division to the United States. America has never experienced these things before, and it will shock and disorient them. With the US divided against itself, your nation will be far too weak to stand against my plans of total world domination.
Trump: That’s a really tall order! America has always been a harmonious place where everyone gets along up until today. I’ll try my best though. Anything else?
Putin: Yes, make them distrust your nation’s large media outlets and convince them that the US intelligence community is often dishonest.
Trump: That will be really hard because those institutions have always been trusted for their unparalleled integrity. But your wish is my command, oh lord.
Putin: Bomb a Syrian airbase.
Trump: What? Really? Aren’t they, like, your allies?
Putin: Exactly. This will throw inquisitive minds off the scent. We can’t have them finding out about that pee tape.
Trump: Are you sure? Some people are saying that chemical attack looks like it could have been perpetrated by the many terrorist factions in Syria and not the government.
Putin: Who cares? Have you seen how relentless they’ve been in exposing us?? Have you never watched Rachel Maddow? That woman is a psychic bloodhound, masterfully sniffing out the truth at every turn! We can’t afford to take chances. Do as I say.
Trump: Yes sir.
Putin: And see if you can arrest that WikiLeaks guy.
Trump: Hey do you want me to do anything about Montenegro’s addition to NATO?
Putin: No. NATO expansion is good.
Trump: Uhhh okay.
Trump: Who do you want tapped for Ukraine envoy?
Putin: Kurt Volker.
Trump: Volker? He hates you! He’s like the biggest Russia hawk ever.
Putin: We still need to throw the Russiagaters off the scent. We’re playing 3-D chess here. This is high-level disinformation, or dezinformatsiya as very smart people call it. I want as many Russia hawks in your administration as possible.
Trump: 3-D chess? Alright. I guess you know what you’re doing.
Putin: Shut down the Russian consulate in San Francisco and throw out a bunch of diplomats. That will confuse the hell out of them.
Putin: Now approve the sale of arms to Ukraine. Not even Obama would do that. This will throw them off the trail for sure.
Putin: Happy new year. Force RT and Sputnik to register as foreign agents.
Putin: Make sure your Nuclear Posture Review greatly escalates its aggressive posture toward Russia.
Putin: Happy Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry about those Russians your guys killed in Syria.
Putin: Send a fleet of war ships to the Black Sea.
Putin: Better expel a few dozen diplomats over the Skripal thing.
Putin: Sanction a bunch of Russian oligarchs.
Putin: Bomb Syria.
Trump: What?? Again?
Trump: What the hell, man? Why’d you even recruit me if you’re just going to have me do everything all the Russia hawks want?
Putin: Well, you know how I told you we were playing 3-D chess against the Russiagate investigation?
Putin: Well that wasn’t enough. Now we’re playing 4-D chess.
Trump: Fine, whatever, I don’t care. Just don’t release my pee tape.
Trump: Oh man. They’re really making a major fuss about that summit. What should I do?
Putin: Play it cool. Don’t let them know about our secret diabolical plot.
Trump: Right. Remind me what that was again?
Putin: Make Jim Acosta feel really, really sad.
Putin: Have you arrested Julian Assange yet?
Trump: Working on it.
Putin: I like John Bolton’s idea. Pull out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty.
Putin: Make sure your administration loudly and aggressively backs Ukraine in our Kerch Strait spat.
Trump: OMFG this is getting too weird. Are you just trolling me? What the hell is this?
Trump: Are you there?
Trump: Answer me!
Putin: 5-D chess.