The Story: In a last desperate attempt to gain an official Nobel Peace Prize, US President Donald Trump invoked a long-standing American tradition and threw the country’s Greatest Ally™ under the bus, shutting down the war on Iran and achieving peace in the Middle East for the first time in a century.
“I apologize to the great people of the beautiful nation of Iran,” said the President, with giant crocodile tears streaming down his orange cheeks. “Actually, I mean the beautiful people of the great nation of Iran. This whole nasty business was Israel’s fault. They fed me fake intelligence and data, and I fell for it – my bad! So go ahead Iran, keep the Strait of Hormuz – you deserve it! And sorry about all those little dead schoolgirls – that was Israel’s fault too! Make Iran Great Again! Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
Following Trump’s announcement, all American military bases on foreign soil closed permanently, with the troops deploying to FEMA camps for re-training as IRS agents, while weapons systems and munitions stockpiles were shipped to Ukraine. Congress moved immediately to outlaw dual citizenship for both elected and unelected government employees, and officially declared AIPAC and other Israeli lobby groups ‘agents of a foreign power.’ Headquarters of the ADL and the SPLC were burned to the ground by ATF agents disguised as LBGTQ/Antifa protesters. Ron DeSantis was dragged to a hastily-erected gallows and hanged for restricting the free speech of Americans in favor of Israel. Hundreds of congressional seats around the USA in state and federal governments were suddenly vacated as their occupants fled the country. Thousands of federal and state bureaucrats unexpectedly retired en masse to Central America or somewhere else, leaving no forwarding address except for the banks to deposit their pension checks in.
World Reaction: Iran promptly launched all of its 15,000 remaining ballistic missiles into Israel. Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and the United Arab Emirates immediately re-aligned with Iran and fired all six of their missiles into Israel as well. Not to be outdone, the good citizens of Pakistan, still enraged over the slaughter inflicted upon them by troops protecting the US Consulate in Karachi, stormed Pakistani government nuclear missile sites and successfully fired off a dozen or three in wild celebration. By sheer bad luck, the missiles’ preset target coordinates resulted in the effective eradication of Israel, as thermonuclear weapons landed on numerous select targets, including the Knesset, wiping out the demonic murdering terrorist psychopath Netanyahu and the entire Israelien legislature at a stroke. The JFK Memorial Weapons Base at Dimona, home to Israel’s not-exactly-secret illegal nuclear ordnance, was obliterated in the largest, biggest, most beautiful mushroom cloud ever, along with IDF and Mossad sites, radars, intelligence stations, electrical generating plants, ports, refineries, and desalination facilities.
According to observers, much of the Israelien landscape currently consists of white-hot radioactive JNA (juoxyribonucleic acid)-infused glass, a compound <<<superior>>> to the base material favored by IC chip fabricators. Silicon Valley immediately expressed an interest in tapping the newly-formed resource (“once the glow subsides”) to produce high-end chips for Palantir’s social credit control software. Elon Musk demanded government subsidies to help American industry produce the new wafers in India or Vietnam or the Philippines or any other place where people work for $2/day. Tim Cook was subsequently seen at Apple Park jumping up and down shouting “Me too, me too” as he hastily wiped his chin, expertly buttoned his boyfriend’s trousers, and pocketed another $20 billion in annual salary.
The Axis of Evil issued a joint communiqué condemning the USA and Israel for triggering the disaster in the first place and confirming no Palestinians, women or children were harmed in the accidental nuclear discharge. The communiqué also stated “Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?” and “Not all of that crazy little painter’s ideas were bad, actually.” Kim Jong Un added “I told Iran to get some nukes!” President Putin uncharacteristically took a verbal shot at the US President, saying “cyka blyat Trump,” and ordered his military to start targeting US spy planes conducting surveillance at Russia’s borders, as well as firing dozens of Oreshniks into Brussels and the City of London, while President Xi said “操你妈他妈的傻逼”and began a mostly peaceful blockade of Taiwan.
Learning of the destruction while on the US Senate floor, Lindsey Graham spontaneously combusted, leaving a foul-smelling stain in the carpet similar to the Turin Shroud, except with horns and pitchfork tail. France’s Macron endured yet another slap from his old lady. Mark Carney arrested all the white Canadians and forced them to eat curry, the new national dish of Canuckistan. Australia hit the good citizens of Oz with a crippling flatulence tax on men only (women don’t break wind, of course). Estonia and its Baltic allies declared war on Russia Poland Hungary the Marshall Islands each other. The UK pledged an additional £250 million for its plan to dim the sun. Germany shut down all Mercedes and BMW factories and arrested hundreds of blond, blue-eyed Krauts at Volkswagen HQ.
Mexico’s president exclaimed ‘Oy, vey’ and graciously accepted a hefty retainer from the (Pablo, not Pepe) Escobar drug cartel. The what’s-her-name gurrl-boss of Moldova threatened to write a sternly-worded letter but at press time had failed to follow through. President Zelensky expressed gratitude that American weapons would no longer flow to Israel but instead be delivered to Ukraine “so we can keep killing Russki orc scum.” Ireland, fearful of Iranian missiles, rounded up its remaining red-headed girls and, with their consent, exported them to Zimbabwe for safety and some bbc.
Other news: Secretary of War Crimes Pete Hegsdeth quaffed a couple mickeys of Jack and, in homage to Jesus, crucified himself. President Trump announced a big new beautiful round of mandatory Covid Monkeypox AntiWoke vaccinations, plus an end to all wars except the one in Ukraine because Americans need jobs, which upon hearing triggered the EU’s Von Der Leyen to orgasm on live TV while surreptitiously enjoying an under-the-table passive-aggressive fingerbang from Katja Kallas. A Ukrainian trannie won the Eurovision Song Contest for the fifth year in a row, against all odds. Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Alireza Arafi Ali Larijani Seyed Mojtaba Khamenei converted to Catholicism after expressing misgivings over the virgin shortage. Whistle-blower Joe Kent ditched his fake and gay hairstyle and pledged to stop murdering brown people on behalf of the empire. US Vice-President JD Vance announced the development of Iranian nuclear suicide vests capable of killing many tens of thousands, thus torpedoing forever any opportunity to be considered either sane or capable of serving as president.
President Trump appears to have two options: escalate the destruction of Iran, or throw Netanyahu under the bus. Which will he choose?
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